Many people talk to God on a daily basis, it's called praying, and they claim he answers them by answering their prayers, yes or no at about a fifty percent rate. Other people, such as Jerry Falwell or Marion "Pat" Robertson claim that God speaks to them, and when pressed on the matter, in order to appear less maniacal to those not brainwashed under their spell, merely hold up the Bible and say "He speaks to me through scripture!"
Today, I had a chance to interview God, as there were a few things that I had questions about that couldn't be answered through prayer, so I got in touch with his press secretaryMohammed and invited God to come over for some JimBeam and Vernor's so we could talk over a few things.
Lew: First off, I'd like to thank you for coming, I know what a busy man you are and all.
God: Well, nowadays most prayers are easy to answer as most people just want more money. If someone is sick, Jesus can handle it.
Lew: So he is your son?
God: You are all my children. Hey, that'd be a great name for a soap opera!
Lew: I think it already is, but you don't watch much television.
God: I like to watch the football. I got a thing for the Detroit Lions. They always lose, and yet they come back to play every year. That's the definiton of the human spirit.
Lew: So do you speak to people like Pat Robertson?
God: I talk to him all the time. I say"Give some of those millions you collect in the name of me and my son to the suffering and hungry". He pretends not to hear me, or thinks I say stuff like "Call for the assassination of Hugo Chavez".
Lew: Did you call for his assassination?
God: Marion, that's what I call him, it is his Christian name, why would he not honor his mother and father and use it? Anyway, I said Marion, look at that Hugo guy down there in Venezuela, he takes all the money they make from all that oil I gave them and uses it to feed the hungry, give them bricks to build their homes, just like my boy Jesus would do. But Marion doesn't understand my Book, that's why he called for the assassination of Hugo, so I said, Thou shall not kill, Marion, it's in my Book. He was too busy reading the Wall Street Journal.
Lew:What about when Jerry Falwell said you allowed 9/11 to happen because of America's acceptance of the deviant homosexual lifestyle?
God:Listen, I made homosexuals! The world needs clothes designers and male chorus dancers, they make me happy! I am not in the business of stopping man's schemes, I handle earthquakes and floods and tornadoes and-
God:Yes, hurricanes. I sent that one you called Katrina because George W Bush sent their protectors in N'awlins to steal all the oil from Muslims.
Lew: George W Bush said you told him to.
God: I think he was having what you might call delirium tremors then. I do not tell people to steal, I made it one of my commandments!(angrily) Thou shall not steal! Surely a reasonable person can see that is what he is doing. And he lied to do it! Thou shall not bear false witness! So I sent the hurricane as a message to those people in the south of the United states, the ones who voted for this liar. Read my Book! Do not hate! No matter how many times I send floods and hurricanes they just don't get it. Only I may inflict my wrath! I do not use bombs, I use thunder and lightning.
Lew: I can see you're getting a little agitated..
God: That is why I do not drink too much, but this is a tasty little concoction.
Lew:Yeah, it's the Vernor's that makes it. One last question. Which is the one true faith?
God:The truth of the faith lies in the heart of the believer. The one who uses their faith for goodness, that is the true faith. Did you know that Judaism, Christianity and Islam all worship me? Yet they all fight with each other! In my name! I do not want this. I would send another Saviour down, but for some reason you humans do horrible things to Him, then when he's dead, you use his name to do even more horrible things.
Lew: Well thanks for stopping by!
God: yes, I must be going. Mohammed and I are bowling against Satan and Beelzebub tonight.
Lew:Well, I'm sure you'll win. You bless You.