Saturday, September 06, 2008

Why Not Me?

Much has been made of the qualifications of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, and while most Republican arguments are typically spurious, it started me to thinking: why couldn't I be elected president?
I've been interviewed by the foreign press in a country that the US may be at war with very quickly.
Also, I would not exploit a national tragedy for political gain. I believe that while all Americans may love their country, there are times when they feel it is heading in the wrong direction.
I do not attend church, so I don't listen to the ravings of a power mad demented lunatic preacher over stepping his tax exempt status. I hear no voices in my head, God Satan or any other than my own, which only pops up to tell me what an idiot I've been when I make a mistake. Since even I realize how grating the sound of my voice can be, I try not to make any mistakes at all.
I am far from an elitist. I live in an apartment complex, don't eat much arugula, and drive a Chevrolet. It doesn't even have a CD player in it, just a cassette deck and a radio. The closest I've come to rubbing elbows with celebrities was when I urinated next to Butthole Surfers lead singer Gibby Haynes in the basement bathroom of ST. Andrew's Hall. And that was like, twenty years ago.
As a consumer, I understand the need to stick to a budget. If there is something that I want, I understand that I have to bring in extra revenue to do so, or do with out. Therefore, I would slash our defense spending in half, knowing that by doing so, we would still spend more than any other nation on defense. One way to cut spending is to stop starting so many wars. Rather than tough talk a country like Iran, which is fulfilling it's obligations under the NPT, I would encourage them to continue on with their use of nuclear energy for peaceful purposes, as long as they continue to follow IAEA guidelines.
And if there are those of you who are paranoid, and feel that the US should bully other nations to bend to our will, I will raise your taxes so you can feel comfortable knowing that freedom isn't free, and you're doing your patriotic best to waylay your paranoid fantasies.
As president, I would understand the subtle differences between Shi'ite and Sunni. I actually know how to use the internet, so it would not be a mystery to me. I will not change my positions on issues for political expediency, rather, I will make decisions based on close examinations of the facts. Nor will I attempt to curb any investigation into wrong doing on my part, or anyone in my office, and unlike the McCain camp, I am always willing to talk to the media.
Unlike John McCain, I was born in the USA. And unlike Sarah Palin, I am not racist or sexist.
In short, your vote for me would get you the most honest government we've had in at least eight years, maybe sixteen, so why not?

Write-In Lew Scannon For President


Tom Harper said...

You sound like another one of those socialist treehugging class warriors who hates America and everything she stands for.

The economy is in great shape. I'm voting for McSame.

Ron Nasty said...

Come on Lew, yer jest trying to take votes away from McCain.

Graeme said...

you've got my vote dude

PTCruiser said...

I'm in. Can I be your campaign manager?

Omnipotent Poobah said...

Nope. I'm sticking with hillary.