The Annual Unbrainwashed Anti-Holiday Rant

I really have come to loathe this time of year. Of course, I mean the holiday season, which starts officially tomorrow, although some radio stations have been playing Christmas music since Halloween, which means that millions of innocent people have had to endure that one person who insists on listening to Christmas music until you're ready to vomit anytime you hear "Holly Jolly Christmas", "Jingle Bell Rock", and "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree", which seem to get played every hour and a half on these stations. And although 'officially' the 'shopping season' doesn't start until four o'clock tomorrow morning, some retailers, in an effort to prop up a dismal year, are letting you know they'll be open today, so that when Dad, Brother and Uncle Pete are relaxing post-meal on the couch watching the football game, Mom, Grandma, and Aunt Shirley can sneak off to KMart to buy more presents that will get lost in the post Christmas morning overkill, that is, after they've finished all the dishes.
And by this time tomorrow, we'll be inundated with stories of that one shopper who falls victim to the spirit of the season and is trampled to death by salivating shoppers pushing each other out of the way to have first dibs on some item they don't really need but couldn't pass up, because it was such a bargain.
This is also the time of year where advertising takes it's toll on me, and I can hardly stand to see another commercial with kids in their jammies waiting for Santa, elves, or dogs with 'reindeer' antlers on their heads. And it's also the time of year when Christ-centric fuckwads refuse to acknowledge that their might be other religions celebrating their various holidays as well, and threaten to boycott advertisers who do acknowledge it in the same breath as they do Christmas.
It's also the time of year when, despite warnings of anthropegenic global warning climate change, not to mention dire predictions of the arrival of peak oil, people cover their yards with displays consisting of so many lights they could be seen from space. Many communities erect Nativity displays, or allow them to be erected on public property.
Not any more in Chambersburg, PA, where every year the local garden club was allowed to erect an Nativity Scene on the ground surrounding the town fountain. That is, until the local Pennsylvania Non-Believers, an atheist group, stepped in. It seems they wanted to put up a sign for the solstice honoring Atheist war veterans. I mean, after the birth of Jesus, what could be more sacred than our soldiers?
Oh. wait a minute, this is a sign honoring our veterans, not our, troops, a difference indicated by where they are now, either over in Iraq and Afghanistan, making sure that the Good Ol' US of A gets first crack at what little oil there is left, or, over here displaying the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome, reminding those who gleefully sent them over there, that, yes indeed, war is Hell.
Anyway, the town council, sensing a political hot potato decided that, rather than allow a religious-free message be posted, decided to remove the Nativity. Score a point for the War On Christmas!

Let's Fetishize Christmas!

I can imagine it must be confusing for most Americans this time of year. On the one hand, you want to decorate your yard with the tackiest kitsch you can find. On the other hand, you don't want to let your guard down in your love for America, lest the terrorists catch us unaware. Still yet, you want to show your support for the troops so much that you're happy they're spending the holidays away from their family mired down in an endless pointless war with no exit strategy.
Well, forget about all that "Peace on Earth, Goodwill To Men" crap, it doesn't apply to indigenous brown people anyway, and stick the above "Soldier Santa" in your front yard, because nothing lets you say everything you need to say more than an eight foot tall light-up inflatable Santa dressed in desert camo fatigues. See you dirty heathenistic Ramadan lovin' terrorists. We're going to win because we got Satan Santa on our side. He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake, (but just like God, he can't really stop you from strapping yourself with explosives and blowing us up)and he knows when you've been bad or a slave to the capitalistic system (good).
And you can sleep better at night knowing that you did your durndest to keep America safe on this the Holiest of nights, right after the Fourth of July.
Father Christmas-The Kinks

WAR! WAR! WAR!

First, the war on Christmas....

A Wal-Mart worker died after being trampled when hundreds of shoppers smashed through the doors of a Long Island store Friday morning, police and witnesses said.

The 34-year-old employee, a temporary maintenance worker, tried to hold back the unruly crowds just after the Valley Stream store opened at 5 a.m.

Witnesses said the surging throngs of shoppers knocked the man down. He fell and was stepped on. As he gasped for air, shoppers ran over and around him.

Only in America. One day you're spending your Thanksgiving holiday with your family, the next day, hundreds of people overcome with the spirit of goodwill to men are leaving their bootprints on your body as they fight their way to get at the limited quantity big screen TVs.
Next, the war on drugs.....

The United States' war on drugs has failed and will continue to do so as long as it emphasizes law enforcement and neglects the problem of consumption, a Washington think tank says in a report co-chaired by a former president of Mexico.

What are you going to do? The government imports the drugs, then privatizes the prison industry so they can make a profit from the incarceration of all the people using the drugs you smuggled in and abuse them while their at it.
People have been cultivating pot for smoking since before Jesus, perhaps the US needs to re-examine it's drug laws and policies rather than lock people away for recreational drug use.
Finally, the war on terror.....
George W Bush says he wants his legacy to be that of a liberator of millions. Sure, he liberated millions of Iraqis from this mortal coil and still terrorists keep attacking people. This is your legacy.

The Month Before Christmas

No apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the month before Christmas,and all through the town
Gifts were purchased with no money down
People were hung from the rafters with rope
The holiday stress they just couldn't cope
The children were on Ritalin for their ADD
Caused by too much sugar and Play Station 3
Ma with her Prozac and me with my Xanax
And a couple of bong hits to help us relax
When from out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
But I was already awake from my overactive bladder
I picked up my cell and to the window I plied
To attempt to record what was happening outside
The moon in the sky like a streetlight did shine
On all of the neighbor's 'home for sale' signs
When, what to my wondering eyes should I see
But a silver tongued demon in a black SUV
Followed by a flurry of angels to damn him
I knew that it was the False God of Mammon
With blinding headlights that went three city blocks
Sticking flyers and catalogs in every mailbox
"Bring VISA! Bring Discover! Bring your Master Card!
To Target! To Penney's! To Sears and Wal-Mart!
To the new shopping center! To the suburban mall!
Now spend away! Spend away! Spend away all!"
As furry lemmings hurl themselves over the bluff
Some people never seem to acquire enough stuff
So in the early morning well before dawn
In houses bedroom lights all were turned on

Then all down the lane the slamming doors
From eager shoppers heading to stores
So I threw on some clothes, and hopped in my coupe
And followed them all to get the real poop
They were all dressed in down, wearing caps and mitts
And behaving as if they had all lost their wits
They all got in line despite all the cold
The rich and the poor, the young and the old
Their eyes--seemed so empty, their souls seemed so lost
Waiting for bargains no matter the cost
And I saw in the lot, waiting just as a vulture
Their false God stood grinning for exploiting their culture
The stump of a crack pipe held tight in his teeth
And big bags of gold surrounded his feet
His eyes were red rimmed, yellowed and beady
As he punished the hopeful and rewarded the greedy
In the line the people were peaceful and loving
'Til the doors flung open and people were shoving
'Twas the start of the holiday shopping stampede
And six old ladies trampled under their feet
He spoke not a word, he just stood there and grinned
Not seeming to mind the cold Northern wind
And laying a finger aside of his nose
He had a good snort of some really good blow
He sprang to his SUV with big sacks of gold
Then shut the doors with the windows unrolled
As he drove away, I heard him speak:

"Everything will be marked down even more next week!