Friday, December 24, 2010

The Free Market Jesus

Once upon a time, a young couple, Joseph and Mary were to travel to Joseph's hometown of Bethlehem, PA for the Census. Because every one else had to travel to their ancestral cities, it meant that there were many travelers, which, because of the law of supply and demand, meant that more people needed to use fuel then was readily available, due to a short supply created by oil companies shutting down refineries, which caused fuel prices to rise dramatically. Joseph, who was a carpenter, was suffering because his cross-making business had been hit with a cease and desist order, because the crosses he built were of design deemed the intellectual property of General Cross-manics, and was forced to pay most of his wages to them for use of their cross design. This meant that he and his wife, who, unbeknownst to him was carrying a child, had very little to travel on.
When they reached Bethlehem, they found that most hotels, motels and inns were filled up, and the ones that had vacancies, were charging much more money than Joseph had left after paying so much for gas, because demand for rooms were up, while the supply of available rooms was dwindling. While stopping at a local tavern, Joseph told his tale to a local bartender, who said he used to have a garage out back they could use, but had sold it because real estate prices had gone up so much, he was losing money using it to park his motorcycle. However, when he found that Mary was with child, he did offer them a spot in the fenced-in area around his garbage dumpster.
While setting up in the area around the dumpster, Mary informed Joseph that her baby was on the way, so Joseph went back and asked the barkeep where the nearest hospital was, but the barkeep informed Joseph that his wife could not be admitted with out any proof of health insurance, which as a self-employed contractor, Joseph did not have.
Meanwhile, a patron at the bar, called the local news station, which sent out a camera crew to film the miracle about to happen in the area around the dumpster behind the bar. The story was then beamed up to a satellite which spread this heartwarming story around the world. Soon, three agents from the East showed up w with much gold for Mary and Joseph if they would sign a contract to endorse their clients' frankincense and myrrh.
The gold rolled in as long as their baby, Jesus, which they had named after the barkeep, was small and cute, but as soon as grew up and became an awkward adolescent, he joined his father in his father's cross making business. Later, as a juvenile delinquent, he got in trouble smashing up an ATM outside his father's temple, and for turning water into wine, putting him in direct competition with the winery that contributed to the governor's campaign fund.
Centuries later, people everywhere celebrated this pseudo miraculous event, by spending too much money, trampling over each other to get the best bargains, and helping multi-nationals bottom line. The end.


Tom Harper said...

What a heartwarming story. But what happened next to that troubled adolescent? I heard he got nailed.

libhom said...

I feel so sentimental now.

Great parable.

Dave Dubya said...

The child grew up and became an outspoken hippie, advocating peace and love. The politicians and mega-church leaders became very threatened by this person and his radical leftist teachings. When he started saying things like "Render unto Washington that which is Washington's," and "It is easier for a pack of Camels to cure lung cancer than for the rich to get into Heaven," it was intolerable. He was declared an enemy combatant and was about to be sent to Gitmo for torture, when an angry mob of wealthy Republican church-goers lynched him and nailed him to a Tea Party billboard, for they wanted their country back.

And the wealthy Republican church goers said, "Let this be your lesson, ye America-hating liberals!"