Joe The Plumber Is Taking This Country Back!!! (To The Days Of Trillion Dollar Budget Deficits)

Like a chancre sore that won't go away, failed 'journalist', 'author','country singer', and all around metacelebrity Sam "'Joe'" the "'Plumber'" Wurzelbacher is back for another political election season, expounding his deep rooted political philosophy to the candidate who can pay his speaking fee for his endorsement
First off, Sam, who hasn't done a lot of plumbing since being turned into an icon for the McCain Campaign of 2008, has backed two candidates in the same race. It must be hard to go back to plunging people's toilets when you've been on SNL.
Also, Mr. Wurzelbacher has joined the "Take Our Country Back Tour" joining other fellow 'Americans' such as Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin. (Although, to be honest, "Joe" doesn't even rate a mention on their home page). The goal of said tour is to encourage Americans to vote for candidates who believe "in the right of the American people—and only the American people—to determine the course and destiny of the United States of America." No more of those Kenyan Muslim Fascists deciding our policies for us. (But it is perfectly okay for our foreign policy to be decided by Israel). The Real America, according to Sammy, lives out here, the people who do the jobs that Mr. Plumber would do, if he didn't have a celebrity status to exploit. Sam and Co. don't ask you to vote for Republicans or Democrats, you see, but 'Americans', which has become another one of those right wing code words like 'family values' that mean exclusively white people, or people of color who know their place, like Michael Steele or Piyush  "Bobby" Jindal.

It's A McCain Thing, You Wouldn't Understand, But Then, Neither Does He

Arizona senator and former Republican presidential candidate told Newsweek recently "I never considered myself a maverick".
What McCain appparently considered considering himself was a Jeep, so he could appropriate "It's a McCain thing, you wouldn't understand", until an aide told him Jeep was a registered trademark of the Daimler-Chrysler Corporation.
"What I really meant to say," the mentally faltering politican stated, "was that I'm a 1969 Dodge Dart Swinger. Vroom!"
Aside from the missing McCain maverick meme, also conspicuous in it's absence was one-time Republican political operative Joe "Remember Me?" The Plumber Wurzelbacher who doesn't want anything to do with Sen. McCain. "He messed up my life," Wurzelbacher claimed, "Made me record a shitty country music album, ghost wrote my book then told people not to buy it, told me not to pay $1,182 in taxes to the state of Ohio, and cock blocked me when I was trying to nail Sarah Palin." So much for personal responsibility.
Of course, being a maverick means that sometimes you vote with the opposition, and in these days of super-mega-hyper-polarized politics, that doesn't fly. So, at the risk of looking more ridiculous than he looked two years ago, McCain has once again lost himself in his quest for office.

You're Still Here?

With all the attention being lavished on Sarah Palin now due to her recent book and tour, it's time ask ourselves: what about that other right wing nut-job from last year's campaign? No, I'm not talking about Joe Lieberman, I mean that other Joe, Joe the Plumber?
He popped up recently at a rally for Cherilyn Eagar, who's looking to unseat longtime Senator Bob Bennett and was interviewed by Editor & Publisher. In it, he hoped that Sarah Palin did not run for president in 2012, but praised her for writing nice things about him in her book. That's very nice of him since Palin is drawing large crowds to her book signings as Joe, not so much. Also, while Palin's book is sure to be on best sellers lists, Joe's book is in remainder bins.
Sam/Joe took used the interview as an opportunity to slam media coverage of himself, noting that the tax lien filed against him was sitting at the Ohio State Capitol in Columbus two months prior to his well-documented exchange with then-candidate Barack Obama over tax policy. He also criticized the media attempts to paint him as a wife beater and racist, but offered up no evidence to dispute these claims. He slammed journalists in general for making accusations at the same time he accused President Obama's policies as "unAmerican". Joe knows a lot about being a journalist following his ten days as a 'war correspondent" for the conservative Web site pjtv.com, where he failed to notice any of any of Israel's war crimes during Operation:Cast Lead.
Sam/Joe also criticized those who say Wurzelbacher is capitalizing on his fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, everybody gets book deals, record deals, journalism gigs, and appearance fees, right?

Sure, Queer Is In The Dictionary, But So Is Dickhead

,,as well as shitheel, dipshit, and hypocrite. You see, Sam Wurzelbacher, known by the name "Joe The Plumber", even though he hasn't plumbed an inch of (galvanized) pipe since he became the darling a spokesperson for the Religiously Retarded wing of the Republican party, feels it's perfectly okay to call gays 'queer' because the word is in the dictionary.

Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur.

Strange is Sam calling himself Joe, praising Sarah Palin and casting aspersions on other Republicans for not being as Christian as Sam/Joe Wurzelplumber is, or passing judgment on gays. Like all good bigots, he uses the old 'some-of-my-best-friends-are' excuse, then flatly states that "I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children". Because, you know, gay is a disease that is transmitted from the older gays to younger children all the time. That's why they shouldn't be teachers, either.
Well, Joe, I wouldn't want you anywhere near my children. You profess to follow a God of love, and yet you hate just about everybody who isn't white, Christian, Republican and heterosexual. Wait a minute; Joe's quitting the GOP.
Joe says he might consider running for office someday (obviously not as a Republican) but says "God hasn't said, 'Joe, I want you to run.'" Haven't you been listening Joe? Your book has tanked, you're a laughingstock to most of the country, and I'm sure your old boss has replaced your position within his company. God hasn't told you to run, he's told you to just go away.

You Are Only As Sane As Your Belief System Allows You To Be

We all have belief systems, ways to cope and interpret the world going on around us. Some embrace religion, some embrace politics, or a combination thereof, it's our way of trying to stay sane in an increasingly crazy world. That is the world of man.
But some people cling to belief systems even after they have obviously failed them. To continue to do the same action and expect a different result is by definition insanity, and yet, there they are, clutching at straws.
In Baltimore, a judge has agreed to drop charges against a mother who starved her child to death after he refused to say Amen after breakfast if the boy is resurrected. The boy, who was just one year old, was ordered to be withheld food by the leader of a Christian cult as a punishment for not saying amen. The mother, who still belongs to said cult, is still holding out that the child will be resurrected.
And speaking of crazy cults, the cult of conservatism claims Sam Wurzelbacher represents the working people. This is a guy who hasn't worked a lick since John McCain brought him up at a presidential debate last year, now spends his time speaking at conservative gatherings about how horny he is. Maybe that's why his book is tanking, working people are having a hard enough time paying the bills, let alone ponying up the money for a book by someone who feels that taking away their free choice represents their best interests, which is why real plumbers heckled him at his last speaking gig. And if you really believe "Jioe" is a plumber, you're as crazy as the people who starved a little boy to death in hopes that he would be resurrected.

Never Give A Book Deal To Someone Whose Fan Base Doesn't Like To Read

True story here. Yesterday, Wilbur asked me who Joe the Plumber was. I tried to explain to him that Joe, whose name isn't really Joe, and isn't really a plumber, somehow became famous when candidate Barack Obama was in his neighborhood and Joe asked him a question about how much Barack planned on raising his taxes. This made him a darling of the over $250,000 a year media pundits who benefited dearly from the Bush tax cuts. The irony is, with the new economic stimulus plan, Joe would be getting a tax cut, but now, by exploiting his instant celebrity, he probably is now one of those whose taxes will be raised. For this year, anyways.
Joe is also a good example of why the economy is so screwed. Someone, in their infinite (or infinitesimal) wisdom deemed it necessary to grant Joe a book deal.That was a good idea. I guess book editors, like Joe himself, thought his fame would go on infinitely, leapfrogged him over thousands of real hopeful authors (like the record company that leapfrogged him over talented musicians and singers to give him a record deal) to give him a book deal, probably ghost written, that now looks about as intelligent a decision as choosing Sarah Palin as your running mate, or granting a mortgage to someone like me.
Well, Joe, your time's almost up. Soon, you'll have all these wonderful memories of when you used to be someone while you're snaking some fat lady's toilet. Hope you kept a scrapbook!

If Electing Idiots Is Our Way Of Having A Representative Government, What Does That Say About Us?

Face it: we're fucked. When not one, not two, but three of Obama's nominees have had tax problems, it raises serious questions not only about his vetting process, of which we heard so much about after the election, but just how stupid are the American people that they elect these borderline criminals to office. It's no fucking wonder the economy's down the toilet like a big brown turd, these people can't even manage their own budgets, and we expect them to manage the country's? This is the not the kind of change I can believe in, that's for fucking sure.
So, you may ask, is there anything that could be stupider than a Democrat? Apparently, there is, they're called Republicans, and they're so fucking bright that they decided to use Joe the Plumber as a political adviser, because he was such a big help to John McCain. I'm sure if I wanted to know everything about big brown turds that won't go down the toilet, I'd give him a call, but for someone who's had tax problems of his own by that I mean, trouble paying them, he's as about useful as me (because, admittedly, I have run into tax problems as well). It's hard to fathom what kind of political retard "Joe" appeals to, but you can bet they smoke a big cigar like a dick-turd, and abuse prescription drugs more than Elvis with a Nixon-supplied DEA badge.
So there you have it:we're fucked, because we seem to vacillate between party that seems to think we can spend our way out of debt like some crazed public-financed Ponzi scheme, and another that thinks that the way to understand the nature of a banker who would spend $35,000 on a toilet is by listening to the man who installed it for him.

14:59

The elections over. John McCain doesn't return your phone calls. Fox News isn't inviting you on their network to spew your ignorant views. While there still is that recording contract you know that if you really had musical talent, you would have been a star long ago. How does a media sensation know when their time is up? Hangers-on and sycophants won't tell you, they'll just desert you when you can't get them beyond the velvet rope anymore.
Luckily for you, we have devised this handy-dandy Oblivionometer. It will tell you when it's time to stop stalking Sarah Palin and get back to snaking turds from stuffed-up toilets. So enjoy autographing copies of your ghost written autobiography in the back of the Bargain Book Barn in some suburban strip mall while you can, there'll soon come a day when even the regs at the bar you drink will have heard your story enough that they'll make fun of you behind your back.